How to Cultivate a Sense of Belonging

In the pursuit of connection and acceptance, many of us find ourselves navigating the delicate balance between fitting in and belonging. These two concepts, while often used interchangeably, have profound differences that can shape our emotional and psychological well-being. Understanding these differences is essential not only for personal growth but also for cultivating deeper, more authentic relationships. In her book Braving the Wilderness, Brené Brown offers a compelling framework for understanding this distinction and the importance of finding a place where we truly belong.

The Pressure of “Fitting In”

When we talk about “fitting in,” we’re referring to the process of changing ourselves to align with the expectations of others, whether it’s a group, family, workplace, or society at large. The core idea behind fitting in is to conform and meet external standards, sometimes at the expense of our true selves. It’s about adapting to belong, but without the sense of true acceptance.

Brené Brown speaks to this pressure in Braving the Wilderness, emphasizing that the drive to fit in is often rooted in our basic human need for connection and validation. From an early age, we are conditioned to seek approval from others, often leading us to suppress parts of ourselves that we perceive might make us different or unwanted. In this pursuit of fitting in, we may modify our behavior, our beliefs, or even our appearance to avoid rejection and gain acceptance.

However, the problem with this approach is that it can leave us feeling hollow and disconnected. While we might gain external validation or avoid the discomfort of standing out, we may also lose sight of who we truly are. Fitting in, in Brené Brown’s terms, is often about seeking belonging on someone else’s terms, by giving up pieces of our authentic selves in the process.

The Freedom of “Belonging”

On the other hand, belonging is a much deeper, more meaningful experience. As Brown explains in her book, true belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are or conform to a group’s ideals. Instead, belonging is about being seen, heard, and accepted for who we truly are, flaws and all. It is not about fitting into someone else’s mold; it’s about being allowed to stand in the wilderness of our uniqueness and still feel connected.

Brown introduces the concept of braving the wilderness as a metaphor for this kind of belonging. The wilderness represents the space where we venture outside the safety of conformity, daring to be ourselves and embrace our authenticity. It’s not a comfortable place; it can feel lonely and uncertain. But it’s also a place of profound self-acceptance and connection. When we find true belonging, we don’t have to sacrifice who we are to be loved or accepted. In fact, our differences are celebrated.

In Braving the Wilderness, Brown stresses that true belonging is not about being part of the crowd or blending in with the majority. Instead, it’s about standing in our own truth, even when it feels like we’re standing alone. When we belong, we feel seen in our wholeness, and we are free to express our most authentic selves. This kind of belonging fosters deep connection and allows for the creation of meaningful relationships built on trust, vulnerability, and mutual respect.

Why is this Difference Important?

Understanding the difference between fitting in and belonging is crucial for our mental and emotional health. In Brené Brown’s work, we see that the quest for fitting in often leads to anxiety, stress, and burnout. The constant need to conform can cause us to feel disconnected from ourselves, leaving us feeling uncertain, isolated, and even ashamed of who we truly are.

When we are stuck in the cycle of fitting in, we may also develop a fear of vulnerability. If we’re constantly adjusting to meet the expectations of others, we can feel like we are always wearing a mask. This leaves little room for true emotional connection, and over time, we can become exhausted from trying to maintain a façade that isn’t aligned with who we really are.

In contrast, belonging creates a space for vulnerability, authenticity, and deep emotional connection. When we truly belong, we feel like we can exhale, we don’t have to pretend or hide. Belonging invites us to be open and embrace our imperfections, knowing that these are the very things that make us human. As Brown writes, “Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this longing is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, but true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world.”